


flat earth

by akatsukiii



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Crack, Gen, hidan and deidara are morons, idk what this is i just like when the funny bad men fight, kisame and itachi briefly mentioned, suggested kakuhida
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:44:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18515092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akatsukiii/pseuds/akatsukiii
Summary: Hidan and Deidara stumble upon some flat Earth theories, leaving the rest of the Akatsuki (especially Kakuzu) extremely tired of their bullshit.





	flat earth

**Author's Note:**

> i found this in my google docs drafts and thought it was kinda funny, so figured i'd post it. just a dumb fic because i love the akatsuki being incredibly stupid and dramatic together

Kakuzu shivered and rolled over in his bed, seeking the warmth of his partner. Still drowsy, the cold sheets that greeted him caused him to sit up. The other side of the bed was still made and had clearly been untouched since he’d fallen asleep. He sighed, silently debating with himself if it was worth going to retrieve Hidan. It had been a long day; his muscles ached severely and the idea of searching for and dealing with the moron gave him a preemptive headache. Deciding the idiot could do as he pleased, Kakuzu cozied himself down in the blankets and relaxed once more. Or at least, attempted to.

 

Strange muttering radiated through their shared rooms. Not loud enough to wake someone, but loud enough to be irritating. Loud enough to reach the tired form of Kakuzu, who was desperately trying to tune it out. Though to his credit, this seemed to be Hidan’s version of courtesy. The sound of a notoriously loud man attempting to be quiet.

Each Akatsuki member had been given their own small space in the main base to inhabit as they saw fit. As a general rule, partners were usually housed side by side out of convenience. Unfortunately for Kakuzu, his and Hidan’s rooms not only happened to be right next to each other, but actually had an opening between the walls. The formation of that hole may or may not be the result of a fight between the two gone slightly too far, but Kakuzu refused to pay for the damages regardless. How Hidan had eventually begun to convince the older man into actually sharing the space was beyond him. 

Begrudgingly, he rose from bed and made his way towards the other room where he could hear Hidan muttering to himself, sounding deep in thought. ‘That’s a first,’ Kakuzu thought. He couldn’t discern exactly what he was saying, although the excited tone gave him an idea - and the thought of sneaking up on the Jashinist brought the rare hint of a smile to his face.

“What are you doing, Hidan?” He said once he was directly behind the other man, earning an appropriate shriek of alarm and a string of curses shouted at him. “It’s two in the morning. Shut up.”

Kakuzu glanced down at Hidan’s phone out of curiosity, much to his regret.

“Hidan. I know you’re an idiot,” he began flatly, which was returned by a scowl from his partner. “Do you actually think the Earth is flat?”

Hidan paused his video, titled “TOP 10 FLAT EARTH THEORIES THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND”. He turned to face Kakuzu, his face flushed slightly red from a mixture of anger and embarrassment. Before he could open his mouth to tell his partner off, his phone buzzed. A text from Deidara. Several texts.

“fucj the akatsuki we joining the flat earth society boi”

“yo ur man was probably around when the earth was formed, how abt u ask him what shape it is?”

Kakuzu sighed deeply, shaking his head. He’d hoped his partner had simply been watching porn or one of those stupid short video collections he seemed to enjoy so much. Of course Hidan, with his unfaltering faith in his fucking strange and made up God, believed in a flat earth. What else did he expect.

“Hey! They make some really good points in these videos!” Hidan said, his face turning a deeper shade of red under the scrutiny of the other man’s gaze. “It’s not like you’ve ever fuckin’ been to space and-” he began, only to be cut off by a large hand colliding with his cheek.

“Come to bed.” With that, Kakuzu turned and headed back for their shared room and left Hidan fuming where he sat on their cheap, shitty couch.

After a few moments and a few final texts sent to Deidara, Hidan eventually crawled into bed next to Kakuzu. He turned away from him and faced the wall, still pissed about the slap and his mind still running a mile a minute thinking about the possibility of a flat Earth.

–

“You two… sincerely believe that?” Kisame said in disbelief, his exasperated gaze shifting from the offending pair to Itachi, silently begging him to say something.

The Uchiha was immediately reminded why he chose to spend as little time as possible at the Akatsuki base. It seemed like debates like this broke out daily when Deidara and Hidan got together. Itachi sighed, his perpetually tired eyes somehow growing more weary. “If you believe the Earth is flat, how do you explain the moon? Is that also flat? You’ve seen other planets in the sky. Are they flat as well?”

Hidan and Deidara exchanged a look, both their faces scrunching up in confusion and what looked like mild irritation. They hadn’t given the concept of other planets much thought.

“Why you bringing up all that shit?” Hidan questioned. “The fuck has that got to do with anything? We’re talking about EARTH here and-”

“And how these corrupt governments have been lying to us! Why should we trust them, hm?” Deidara cut in, jumping to his feet. “Isn’t that all any of our villages have ever done to us? Lie and betray us?”

A few mummers of agreement rippled throughout those gathered, even Itachi solemnly nodding his head at the statement. Kakuzu, counting that month’s income a few feet away, pinched the bridge of his nose and made a mental note to kill Deidara when no one was looking.

“The shinobi system is full of assholes that don’t care about us! They have no problem lying to us!” Deidara continued to shout, eventually veering from the political theory and entering the territory of pseudoscience. 

“What do you possibly think shinobi villages stand to gain by ‘convincing’ us the Earth is round?” Kakuzu finally interrupted after an intolerably long and incoherent speech from Deidara, featuring excited whoops from Hidan every other sentence which earned him several death glares from his partner. 

Deidara shook his head dismissively and waved a hand towards the other man. “You really don’t get it, do you? They don’t need a reason to lie to us! They’re fucked!” He stopped his foot with every other word. “They’ll come up with anything to cause anarchy between people for wars and - “

"You think that convincing morons like you that the Earth is flat is on par with starting a full blown war - what would anyone gain from that? Are you brain dead?” Kakuzu growled, ignoring 

“They both disrupt the peace! In your own words, what do the leaders 'stand to gain’ from creating war?” Deidara put his hands on his hips, his chin raised as he waited for a counter to what he considered to be a bombshell of an argument.

Kakuzu clutched the bridge of his nose again, this time taking a deep breath before speaking. “No wonder you’re so close to Hidan. You really are a fucking moron.” Didn’t the blonde idiot ever listen to Pein when he talked? The entire point of Akatsuki’s organization was to exploit wars between shinobi. 

Combined shouts of “Hey!” erupted from Hidan and Deidara. Hidan jumped to his feet next to where the blonde was already standing, looking incredulously at his partner. He reached for his weapon unthinkingly, bubbling with rage at Kakuzu’s constant shitty attitude and disrespect. Sasori scowled at the scene from his own position in the room before making eye contact with Deidara and managing to make an even more disgusted look. 

Before anyone could truly make a move, Pein and Konan appeared at the entrance, causing them all to freeze where they were in their aggressive stances. The pair simply stood and stared, their faces both blank but their eyes conveying their absolute exasperation with whatever situation that had been unfolding upon their arrival. 

“Whatever it is - it ends now.” Pein commanded, briefly looking at each Akatsuki member. Kakuzu was still poised to lunge at Hidan, who had his scythe in hand. Deidara and Sasori where frozen, attempting to hide the rude hand gestures they had been making. Itachi and Kisame, still watching but having kept their distance from the idiotic chaos, attempted to look as innocent as possible.

“We have business to attend to,” Konan said. Admitting defeat in the midst of their leaders, they all exchanged reluctant glances before slinking back to less hostile postures. Konan rolled her eyes as she walked past them. ‘Why does this shit happen every fucking day?’ she thought to herself as Pein began to elaborate the details of their newest mission.

**Author's Note:**

> lame ending i know lmao - i ran out of inspiration i think.  
> if you liked anything about it, please comment and let me know! constructive criticism very welcome too, i know this is pretty messy


End file.
